Random thoughts of the day

1. Why can’t we be more like Canada or France?

2. Why do people sacrifice the 80% of what they have for the allure of the 20%?

3. Why are the one thing you want most and the one thing you can’t ask for so often the same thing?

4. Job interview today. Please God, seriously, Please God. I really need this one.

5. Why do we (I) waste so much time getting wound up about the same things–over which I have no control?

6. Pineapple is the greatest food ever!

7. I kinda think I want a baby.

8. Want the things you have.

9. Focus on progress not perfection

10. How does cat hair get EVERYWHERE on every piece of clothing, even with no direct cat contact?

Check it

Another super cool person I know

http://hahnathome.com

Good parenting, perspective, and humor.  Who could ask for anything more?

Great Oogley Boogley Cathartic Eureka!

So I’m awake and blogging for three reasons. 1) Worked out way too late in the evening. 2) 1/2 is sawing logs like nobody’s business. 3) The gray matter is all a-twitter.

Let’s focus on numero trois, twittering gray matter. So while I was attempting to fall asleep, a few things start to make it to the forefront of the swirling oodles. The common theme of items brought center stage is “Incidents of self-sabotage”. I certainly am not going to go in to all of these as it is my intent to actually sleep tonight, not stay up blogging for four straight days at a minimum.

Summation: I often work my ass off until a goal is 90% reached, and then quit. I often create situations (mostly in my mind) and act upon this faulty information until it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I focus so much perfectionistic energy on the details that I don’t realize or complete the big picture because I fear it will ultimately fail.

Dude, WTF?!? Well, here’s the F…I have not ever believed I was good enough. Simple enough to understand, complex enough to sink a whole life. All deeply rooted in a childhood of neglect and abuse, but those are just stories from the past. As Wayne and Garth always say, “Live in the now”.

So as for my now (channeling Stuart Smalley), I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it people like me. If for some reason you don’t know who Stuart Smalley is–1) shame on you! 2) It’s too late for you to be up reading this, I’m pretty sure.

The deal-i-o from here on out is this: Lose the shit people said/did to you because they only did it because they feel like shit about themselves. Realize that I am a good person, with a good heart, the best of intentions–and incredibly flawed, but doing the best I can. And for fuck sake, I need to get out of my own way!

Absolutely no clue what served as the impetus for the epiphany, but I have my suspicions. Could it be that I’m about to succeed in a task that has dogged me for seemingly forever? Yep, pretty sure. In the end, who gives a shit what it was that smacked me upside the head, kinda enjoying the aftermath.

P.S. Anyone find the coincidental nature in the fact that being without work has allowed me to complete that pesky nagging task which has been holding me back for years? Well how ’bout that.

Ahh perspective

So this has been a crazy week, mostly not a positive crazy but I’ll post about that another time.  What I do want to say at this point is simply this:

Go check this guy out- http://jakefreedom.wordpress.com

I actually know him, like in real life, and he’s about the coolest dude you can know…and I think you’ll agree after you check out his blog—and totally check out the pics, too.

Damn Bridge Build Yourself

I don’t have much to say, which is probably ok since it’s just me reading. I have to wonder if this damn bridge is going to ever come into being. Got an emphatic ‘no’ to one of the temp jobs. Still haven’t heard anything from the other. I did go out today for one, I’ll be back there Monday and Friday. I would love to say that I could stretch this out and make it a temp-to-hire scenario, but frankly I’m tired of hoping and ultimately being let down. My once ever-present optimism is in short supply nowadays.

Is it possible the big man upstairs really wants me be to be poor, uninsured with a post-surgical condition requiring medication and follow-up, and with a seriously f-ed up relationship due to stress? It just doesn’t seem right. I just can’t figure it out. What is it that I’m supposed to be doing? I’ll do it. I swear I will. I just need to know what ‘it’ is.

On the plus side, 1/2 says she wants me to go back to school to start knocking out the classes I need for licensure. Don’t get excited…I’ll be a non-degree seeking student ineligible for financial aid and can only take one class so I’ll still need a job and have no insurance.

Seriously, I’m dying here. Lifeline, anyone?

A Day in the Life

So today was the big interview. I had such hugely high hopes, such faith that this was going to be it…the answer to the $$ question. I really really do not feel as though it went well. True, I don’t know for certain one way or the other…but I just don’t feel positive about this one. Who knows. Maybe Negative Nellie is lingering and it really went better than I thought. We’ll soon see. Still hoping for the best.

In the meantime, there are a couple of new temp possibilities, though. That would be good. $$ coming in is always a positive.

In a continuation of yesterday’s post…more yard work today. I watered the newly seeded lawn (per directions), and then I raked and laid down mulch in the landscaping tiers. This domesticity seems to be hanging around. And again, not hating it.

After feeling blue about the interview, 1/2 and I met up for lunch. She’s an amazing individual. I get the “Let’s not give up on it yet” pep talk, as well as the “Why don’t you see about what classes you can take this summer for your licensure.” “How are we going to do that?”, I ask. And a simple, and believable “We’ll figure something out” is the response. How lucky am I?

There is only one of the 3 classes I need offered this summer, but I’m going to be taking it. Maybe progress and hope (in addition to love) is all one really needs to get through this life.

Honest to Blog

First let me say I have no misconceptions that the title is any kind of original. I’ve seen Juno, I liked it, loved the dialog…and I stole it. End of that particular story.

So here’s an new installment of wonderment as to how this is my life, but in a whole different tangential direction. Let me give you the breakdown of my day.

I ran all over town to find a place that I could fax my time sheet from–the time sheet for one day last week. We apparently have no such place in town here that does that sort of thing…no grocery store, no Kinko’s, etc. After all was said and finally done, the other 1/2 says “Did you check the Post Office?” No, I did not. Perhaps next time.

While out doing the errands, I had to buy some make-up to put on a half-way decent face for tomorrow’s interview…especially in light of the blemish explosion we have going on. When will I be too old for that?

I also went to price Zyrtec. I don’t currently have insurance, nor a consistent paycheck…but man do I have some nasty allergies. Which will have to wait awhile.

Before I actually got into the USA Drug to check it out though, I went into the Antique Mall in the same strip mall. .5 has some depression glass tumblers that have been breaking intermittently and now there are only 2, so I shop online to see if I can find some. Today I went in and checked it out. Basically, from what I could figure, there are about 100 different cubicle like areas which are occupied and maintained by that many different dealers. Here’s what I have to say about antique stores: People will try to sell ANYTHING.

Then I came home (after a trip to the bank–in which I went to the drive-thru, which I thought was for people in a hurry…and spent–no lie–10 minutes behind some damn woman. Still have no idea what she was doing. I was blocked in so I had nowhere to go. Who does that? If what you have to do is so involved that it takes 10 minutes in a bank drive-thru, get your ass inside.)

Anyway, I came home and here’s where it’s really crazy that this life is mine. I raked up the hedge trimmings, then over seeded the lawn, and then watered the lawn–front and back. Doesn’t seem odd? It would if you knew me, most certainly if you’ve known me for a long time. Additionally, I’ve still got to clean the kitchen and den, then make dinner. Seriously?!?! Whose life of domesticity is this?

Well, it’s mine. And here’s the absolutely unbelievable part. It’s not so bad. Actually, it’s a good life. I’m not only a firm believer in Karma, but also a believer in reality checks from the universe. And this weekend the 1/2 and I got a couple.

We met some church peeps for a cook-out Friday night. Yes church peeps (also not of my former life), and it was a good time. There were cocktails, which most of us drank in moderation…but this is the tale of the one that didn’t.

The one that didn’t, we’ll call her Janet (totally not her real name). Janet has recently gone through a rough break-up. Janet and her gf were together for over a year, and the gf is now sleeping with a guy. Well, apparently this has seriously f-ed Janet up. Because while she immediately told me of the betrayal, Janet is suddenly dating a guy–and a dolt, at that. “He doesn’t care that I’m gay” has actually fallen from Janet’s mouth. Well, in addition to now dating a guy (and let me just say, I believe there is a somewhat fluid nature to sexuality–but I will also so that even those with unrefined or non-existent gaydar scream “hello, mo” when they see Janet), Janet has taken to drinking ENTIRELY too much, too often.

Janet was pretty well lit when we left the house–and we were heading for an AIDS fundraiser downtown. By the time 1/2 and I got there, Janet was out of control to say the least. As soon as we walked in the door, Janet lifted up her shirt and flashed the ta-tas. Even though we’ve only hung out with Janet once previously, and I’m not so old that I can’t remember when things like this happened regularly, I knew this to be an ominous foreboding.

Janet proceeds to bound around the bar, grinding on everyone she sees (all women, of course) even those clearly with someone, kissing everyone–even trying repeatedly to ‘get’ 1/2 and I…and then it gets worse. She’s pissed off virtually everyone in the bar at this point, and while I’m about as patient as they come, here’s where she pisses me off too. She consistently comes up and tries to kiss me, and/or 1/2…and when we turn away, push her away, whatever it takes, she starts kissing on the necks. Again, pushing…whatever. Then she apparently decided to change tactics. Now she was just going to ask 1/2 if she can make out WITH us. Awesome. We’re not typically of the PDA variety, and certainly not on demand…and certainly when the uber drunk chic thinks she’ll join in. We just continue to bob and weave. I ask Janet that if 1/2 kiss, will she then stop. “Yeah, I promise.” Hey, I know. I was just trying to buy some time. At some point, she picks 1/2 up off the ground…and promptly falls, bringing them both crashing to the floor. OK, seriously done at this point. Unfortunately, Janet’s not. While 1/2 and I are off in the side bar and decide to leave–where we do hug and have a little kiss (come on, we’re not prudes–and it had been an exhausting night)–from nowhere Janet swoops in grabs MY ta-ta, is rubbing up against me and trying to kiss my neck all at the same time, all in one motion–I grab 1/2, shove Janet across the room (which is most assuredly not in my nature), and we flee the bar. Dude, we were totally molested. Not cool. I’m all about drinking and having a good time, and I know she’s in a bad place and we’ll do all we can to help her–but I draw the line at that.

And then, sure that something will have been learned or that Janet can’t provide an encore less than 12 hours later, we meet them at the Horse Races. And there’s Janet with the guy she’s dating. Umm, was she there last night?!? There were no guys in any equation she was trying to be a part of…yet she’s rubbing all over him. Uughh. I may have thrown up a bit in my mouth.

Here’s the deal. I apparently can’t watch anyone completely self-destruct before my eyes. At least not without a little recovery time in between. And while 1/2 and I steered clear most of that day, here is what we said to each other, almost in unison…”I love you”. It’s nice to know who you are, and to be with someone who knows who they are…and then you can just ‘be’ together.

Our situation is less than ideal and we both get stressed, etc. But man, we have it good. We are two of the lucky ones. And thanks to the universe for the much needed dose of perspective.

Building the bridge

So as usual there are a million different things swirling inside my head, most of which are spawning nearly as many internal struggles. Is this normal? I believe it is…maybe that’s just what I tell myself to feel better. All I know is I’ve got to make some semblance of reason from all of this. And I can’t do that keeping it all completely contained in my melon…thus the blog is born.

I try to remain an optimistic person (probably ad nauseam to most), but this will most certainly not always be the case here. I need an outlet to avoid becoming Debbie Downer in my physical world. At the same time, I know I can’t consistently spew negativity, it’s just not in me, so fear not (should there actually be someone out there who reads this) this will not just be the home of Negative Nellie. She may just stop by from time to time, but she will not overstay her welcome. And if she does, feel free to point out her obnoxious nature.

On to today’s struggle…just how long does it take for Karma to kick in?

Now as well as remaining positive and an oft annoying cheerleader to folks around me, I also try (consciously and consistently) to be a good person. I mean, really a good person. I try to abide by the Platinum rule–a wee bit different from that of gold. The Platinum Rule, as I’m sure most of you know, states “Treat others as THEY wish to be treated”. I think I do it for the right reason–because you’re ’supposed’ to–it’s the right thing to do, etc. Is it so wrong to need the positive return from time to time? After all, it truly is not the motivation–just a great by-product.

I’ve been out of work now for about 4 months…and I had hoped the good Karma I had attempted to put into the world up to that point would ward off that situation, but no such luck. Still, I have always felt that everything happens for a reason, so I assumed there was a lesson for me to learn in my departure and that soon things would be rectified in a universal sense. Yet here I sit blogging when I would much rather be working…drawing an income, contributing to our life, reducing the stress on my much better half…what the Hell is Karma waiting for? I promise I have searched near and far, concretely and existentially for the lesson…and I’ve also done nothing thinking that perhaps the lesson was that I can’t control everything. And still nothing. Things are getting pretty rough around here. Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand and appreciate that many many people have it far worse than I. We have a house we’re not in danger of losing, we have not yet begun eating only Ramen, and we do have each other. All the same, anyone else in this situation will tell you that others have it worse, but that doesn’t make it any better for them.

I think what is hardest about this is the pressure it puts on the 1/2. Feeling as though (and rightfully so at this point) she’s got to hold it all together, that she’ll get us through this. And there is some (mostly) latent resentment bubbling there. That’s hard. And it’s not as though I’m just sitting blogging everyday. I’ve applied to, interviewed for, and been rejected by numerous jobs. I’ve even taken temp jobs to be able to make some money. Here’s the irony in the temp world–if you work hard and do your job well, you effectively put yourself out of a job.

So anyway, where’s my cosmic ‘justice’? I’m not looking for super hero status, I don’t want a golden ticket. I merely want a job in which I can help people and pay the bills. C’est ca.

Perhaps we will have the answer next week. I’ve got an interview on Tuesday and I think I’d really like the job. I would have the opportunity to help our military veteran’s pursue and succeed in a post-secondary education. How cool would that be? Wish me good Karma.

And in the meantime, I’m going to keep building the bridge from this life to my REAL life.

Listening to: Slow Motion by David Gray