Regardless of actual time elapsed, I feel an inherently different tone in this post and those to follow.  In however long it has been since I last posted, I have undergone such significant personal and spiritual change I know not where to begin.

My best offering is this…I feel undeniably to be at not one but multiple significant crossroads in my life…right here and now.  I can’t actually make sense of any of them, but they consume my thoughts and I believe that in being open to the guidance that God offers, a path will be revealed to me.  Oh yeah, I’ve become more “outwardly” religious since previous posts and although I railed against it for most of my life I have come to appreciate the wisdom and solace it provides…but I will make NO attempts at recruiting or converting anyone here.

Simply, I will share my latest head-on with reality (or at least the tiniest bit I can muster at this time) and see what wisdom is offered in response.

I have recently been targeted and assailed at work…since my arrival 2 1/2 years ago I have remained consistent and vocal in my dedication to my patients and their advocacy.  While once appreciated, I think the premium I place on doing the right thing (regardless of circumstance or profitability) has now made the powers that be (POB) uncomfortable and they wish to silence me–or at least dismiss or diminish the truth in what I say.  This has led me to at least consider the opportunities of moving to a non-profit agency in which I believe my conscience will be viewed as less of a “bad” thing.

Additionally, some of those I work(ed) with have seemingly chosen a path that sacrifices me to protect them.  I am not so naive that I believe that the corporate world honors and promotes the antithesis of these behaviors…but when these behaviors are put into motion and carried out by those whom I not only work with but have had a far more substantial personal relationship, I find it particularly disloyal and offensive.  If I am there at your bedside in your darkest hour, caring for your children, covering for you at work, and just generally caring for you–I expect and deserve far better than what you have offered of late.

The final rant in this particular entry is directed toward that person that is to be my “partner”.  I admit my failings to her in the past, but I will also assert I have done my personal reflection–both independent and with aid of mental health professionals to remedy my poor choices.  I have done my “work”.  Not to say that I have successfully completed all there is to do, but at least I have begun and continue the process.

Well just last night I was told by this partner, the very partner who carried on an “emotional” affair long after I indicated my feelings about it, called it what it was , etc. with only the excuse of it “being what she needed” then informed me that she is incapable of unconditional love (when I asserted I genuinely felt loved less when there were dirty dishes in the sink), and that I am a good person in my professional work, but that she thinks very little of me personally.  As though it is so easy to separate the two.  I asserted that she in fact was the one who had done little to make our situation better, was all too content to point the finger at me, and that as someone who harbored resentment (for me acting in a way that “forced” her to “cheat”) she was in fact not only not demonstrating love at all, but was instead purposefully withholding it.  Needless to say, we haven’t spoken many a word at all to each other today.

Finally, in what I can only describe as God’s hand and the MOST unanticipated turn of events, while at dinner with our pastor Thursday night, our pastor encouraged me (in my strong sense/commitment to authenticity) to preach at our church…or at least to give it some thought.  She would like for me to do this sometime between now and the end of the year.  So while I know it is in direct opposition to the humility and grace we (Christians) are taught to embrace and bring into the world…is this not all at least a little ironic?

And that has been the most brief synopsis of my week.  One can only imagine what next week has in store.  I can only hope that I have the strength and wisdom to remain open to the guidance afforded me between now and then, and moving forward.

The kids I work with, the ones who drain me, the ones I appear to be raising for other people are NOT the people who piss me off. The people who piss me off are their parents (I use the term loosely), their DHS workers (where applicable), and the people (only a couple) that I work with. And here’s the why…

The parents…it’s a long list, but I’ll try to keep it brief. These kids desperately need the services we provide. DESPERATELY. Yet, most of the parents can’t be bothered to bring the kids or pick them up at the end of the day. So, with the price of gas around $4/gallon, I go to their houses early in the morning and pick up “my” kids, and then I take them home. There is ONE of my colleagues that does this also…ONE. And we determined today that we feel like we’re sharing custody of these kids. Listen, I love my kids…but I want child support. Parents don’t give their kids the medicine they really really need (thanks to the parents who make my daily life hell), parents take vacations (without their children), parents who call or text me at all hours of the day to make excuses for why they can’t get their children to where they need to be. And the worst of all…the parents who don’t give their children any love, attention, or affection. It’s very obvious who these children are. There are the children who spend all day coming to give me hugs, who want to sit on my lap…and when they do, they grab my arms and wrap them around them and hold them there tightly. As happy as I am that I am there and can fill that need, I would love to smack the shit out of these parents. It breaks my heart.

So it most likely sounds elitist, but work where I work and have a different opinion. I fervently believe people should be required to have a license before they have a child. You need one to drive a car, you certainly should be required to have one to birth and raise another human being. Now I realize it would be a nightmare to enforce and all of that, and I realize it would put me out of a job/career, but I’m totally ok with that. If I have to find another line of work because all children are wanted, loved, and cared for I will gladly find another trade.

I can barely even address the DHS workers and all they do to piss me off. I get that they’re overwhelmed. Honestly, I do. But here’s the thing…don’t come to me and try to get me to say that a kid needs to be sent to residential care just because you don’t want to deal with him anymore. That’s weak.

And as for the people I work with…or at least the one major pain in my ass. If all you’re going to do is bitch and threaten to quit, not try to find a solution to your problem, and find fault with every possible solution presented to you…make good on your threat and leave. I will spend all my energy and then some on my kids, but I won’t waste it on your sorry borderline ass. Get the big picture. Get that in a lot of instances, we are all these kids have. Understand that whether or not a child hears you say these things, they sense it. And for the love of God, get that in comparison to the kids we work with, you are living an incredibly privileged life and you should be ashamed of yourself for bitching and whining about what you whine about. Do what’s best for the kids and shut your pie hole. And if you can’t do that, please allow me to show you the door. And now.

I’m just saying.

The next morning, 1/2 was chatty as though nothing had happened, or there was no larger meaning behind what she said, no understanding for how wounded I was. Maybe that’s because I made it a bigger deal than it was. And maybe because she has had to compromise and sacrifice too much. Yeah it’s part of life together, but she has probably sacrificed more. She’s the steady one, taking care of things…I’m the ADHD kid in every way–included my job stuff. We go home to my home pretty frequently for one thing or another, and these are not her favorite trips.

So yesterday, an idea struck me. (I actually believe it was given to me by the man upstairs, but I digress). I came home from work and transformed the back yard into a camp site. I put up the tent, I brought out the camping chairs, I made chili cheese dogs for supper (1/2′s favorite camping dinner), and I got everything for smores.

When 1/2 got home and saw our “camp site”, she was happier than I’ve seen her in awhile. Did she really want to go camping that badly? That’s not what made her happy. What made her happy was that for once, in a rare moment, I put her and her needs/wants completely ahead of my own. Did she say that to me? No. But as we camped, she snuggled more than usual of late. When we got up this morning, there was more love and affection…the hand holding while having breakfast, random pecks, and actual looks of love.

Sometimes simply doing what you can, although not what is originally sought, is the best thing you can do and all you need. Especially if what you do is for someone else. I need to do that more often.

And now for the story. So 1/2 and I had noticed a growing odor in the garage.  We had both just attributed this to something especially foul in the garbage can. Yet as 1/2 left for work yesterday morning, and I later in the day, it seemed as though the stench was getting seriously out of control.  I actually had an inner dialog that went something like “Geez. Did something die in here? It totally smells like something died in here”. Fast forward to my return home after my meeting.  I get out of my car and as I walk to the door, I see something out of the corner of my eye. A possum (I think).  Lying motionless next to the entertainment center (one of two that sit in the garage that we have no use or space for) is a possum. My heart rate immediately quickens…and by a lot.  I then stare at it thinking “they’re nocturnal, aren’t they? Is it just sleeping? Oh my God, is this thing going to wake up and charge me?”  As if possums charge, but still.  The eyes were open and I was thoroughly freaked out. It became obvious (finally) that it was dead, so I made my way to the house to plot my next move.  I immediately call 1/2 and explain the situation.  To paraphrase her response, “that thing better be gone when I get home. I don’t care if you have to call someone, but I want that thing gone”.  She sounds menacing, but she’s really not.  But, since it was her birthday, I figured I better figure something out.  I sent a couple of text messages to my ‘country’ friends, but received no response.  Carcass removal fell to me.  And with only one small incident of a jumping up and down, running in place freak out, I eventually met my objective.  I then sent another text to my non-responsive country friends which read, “I may have thrown up a little in my mouth, but it’s done”. Suddenly they’re responsive and I get a “LOL!!!”.  Nice.

PS- The band we saw last night (from too close to the stage) is called Cowboy Mouth. I had never heard of them before, but 1/2 had seen them in Charleston. Old or not, I thought they were good. Kinda like a hybrid of Green Day and Barenaked Ladies. I especially like their song, “Kelly Ripa”. If you don’t know them, you should check them out.

Well, here is what I hear on the drive…”So, I’ve been reading about fear of intimacy.” Shit. So much for a nice little lunch. I respond, “What made you start reading about that?” all the while knowing the answer. No response. So I add, “because I have it?” “Yeah.” Shit.

Then there’s a little more conversation. 1/2 says that being with someone with a fear of intimacy is even more lonely than being alone. Shit. But fair enough. We both understand where it comes from–childhood trauma, repeatedly being hurt by the people you’re supposed to be able to trust above all, etc. So now what? Now I’m supposed to share what I think and feel and tear down the walls yadda yadda yadda. Fuck.

I’m back with a kapow, no?

Most everyone has heard by this point about the California Supreme Court ruling yesterday regarding Gay Marriage, I’m sure. If not, please go to CNN to check it out.

So here’s “all” I’m going to say about it. How sad that we have to celebrate isolated incidents in which a high court in the nation recognizes all people are equal. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an important decision and hopefully the first of more….eventually. But still sad to me. In a nation founded upon the principles of equality, one conceived to fly in the face of opression (um, why did “we” leave England?), it’s sad we’ve forgotten–or choose not to apply that rule to ALL.

Now I’m not naiive enough to believe this is the only form oppression or discrimination. I will assert that it is about the last remaining bigotry viewed to be somewhat socially acceptable–well that and obese people. God forbid you’re a fat gay person. We, as a country, have seen an evolution which included first using the constitution (or an interpretation thereof) to discriminate against women, racial minorities, and to even outlaw interracial marriages. The California Supreme Court even likened their ruling and this situation to the latter. I agree. And I am happy for not just the recognition, but admission of this fact. And that this descended from a court in which 6 of 7 justices were appointed by Republicans is both surprising and refreshing.

So while I’m happy with the progress, I’m so incredibly pissed and disheartened by the unavoidable similarities and rationales given for the discrimination in the first place. We’ve already heard the “religious right” is mounting their counter attack. There will be a 10 million dollar campaign immediately to get this issue placed on a November ballot so that the people of California can vote on it–and what “they” are seeking is a constitutional amendment. Since when is the constitution (either State or Federal) supposed to write separation and discrimination INTO law?

The so-called religious right or fundamentalists believe my right to marry my long-term partner will somehow adversely effect the “sanctity” of marriage and erode the family. Really? Because the heteros have so mastered this marriage thing? If we gays can’t marry, then who is getting all the divorces? And if we can’t be parents, just who is it that’s raising kids who turn out to be gay? If you’re really worried about protecting the institute of marriage then you should make DIVORCE illegal.

My point is this…all those Biblical literalists seek to justify their own hatred and fear by hiding behind God. Well peeps, here’s the deal. God makes no mistakes, and he and his son love EVERYONE. Furthermore, you can’t pick and choose the parts of the Bible you use or prescribe to. So if you hate gays, or are codemning them to Hell because of the way they were born and refer to it as an abomination worthy of death, then I sure hope you don’t eat shell fish, plant different seeds in the same field, or wear clothing of different fabrics together–and if you do, I guess I’ll see you there because those actions are equivalent in the literalists translation of the Bible. At least my “sin” will be borne of love. Can you say the same?

Overall, I do think it went pretty well. There was certainly the element of a ginormous elephant in the room, but it wasn’t horrible. We talked a bit, laughed a lot, and it was ok. I will say 1/2′s cousin very obviously misses her–she even got a visibly sad face when talking sarcastically about the lack of communication between them. I, for my part, assured the cousin that 1/2 and I had discussed it and felt as though it would be better. (By discuss it I mean I told 1/2 that she needed to be better about emailing, calling, etc.) It seriously was the saddest puppy dog face I’ve ever seen on someone in their mid-thirties.

Even the uber fundamentalist husband was surprisingly friendly and jovial. After they left, 1/2 told me that was the first time she’d ever seen him like that. I really do think that love wins out in the end. I mean, even if he was only on his best behavior at the request of his wife, out of her love for 1/2–love won out, right?

I have been told, that if due to this visit, an invitation is extended to us for the holidays we WILL be going. No questions asked. Ok. We’ve spent a boat load of time with my family (which is not always fun certainly). My thing has always been that I don’t want to spend holidays a part, so we go to the family that is accepting of us and our relationship. If that list now includes her family, I will gladly go. Although it means we will have to see her sister again. Ugh.

Anywho…that’s it for today. Love wins out. No F word. A good day indeed.

So here’s the thing. 1/2 isn’t too terribly close to her family. There are many a reason beyond merely the physical distance. 1/2 grew up in totally conservative Baptist family (which is much the norm around here, I find). Well, that becomes a problem when you realize later in life you are gay.

1/2′s siblings were signicantly older than her, her mother died when she was 11 (and was the only nurturing force in her life). 1/2 subsequently spent time with extended relatives for holidays, etc. She can remember comments (before she was aware or accepting of her own reality) in which family members would proclaim as part of ‘normal’ dinner conversation “I would rather my son was a murderer than gay”. Unfortunately, this is/was the sentiment for much of her family.

Fast forward to 1/2 realizing, accepting, and moving forward with her life as a gay person. The relationships with her family ceased–not because there was a falling out or disowning, but because 1/2 was aware of their stance on what would certainly be regarded as her ‘lifestyle choice’ and didn’t want to put herself through that.

The one relationship that has probably been the most tragic loss is the one with her cousin. 1/2 and her cousin were the same age and spent a lot of time together–while growing up and while becoming. Well, for the last 4 years, there has been little contact. The cousin married an uber fundamentalist, has had a couple of kids, stays home with them, etc. Thus, the relationship was sacrificed.

And that brings us to the present–today specifically. The cousin, the husband, and the two children will be here visiting–staying in our house of ‘sin’. There is some trepidation–do they know? Surely they do. 1/2′s totally disapproving sister was here over Easter, surely she told the family.

While laying in bed last night I asked 1/2 if she was nervous. “No”. Well, that’s a load of bs…but I’ll gladly let that load rest. Tonight she risks all of her worst fears coming true. That she will in fact TRULY lose the one member of her family she cares about most. In essence, she already has since they barely speak. But it’s one thing to suspect, and another to know for certain.

In this, there is also the possibility (as the eternal optimist in me hopes for and expects) for this relationship to be mended and grow closer again. For 1/2′s cousin to see who she really is, to see her happy, and to realize that 1/2 is exactly the same caring amazing person she was and has always been that she has loved so much throughout their lives.

And if that doesn’t happen, tomorrow’s post will be sponsored by another F word. Probably the one you thought of initially. As for me, I’m hoping for humanity, family, and love to prevail.

Peace out.

Everything happens for a reason. Within each situation, there is an opportunity for growth–but only if you identify it, AND are willing to seize it. Challenges are merely opportunities. Will you play the victim and maintain the status quo, or will you work hard and dig yourself out? Will you welcome the invitation to grow, or will you shy away due to fear of the unknown?

And if there are not enough cliches and entendres in there, let me add this: accept your reality and if you don’t like it, get off your ass and do something to change it. Simple enough, no?

In a digression not at all profound, let me share this about what this real life of mine has become…I spent some time the other day wandering Home Depot. Yup, by myself. I was on a search for tin, mulch, and a carpet runner.

The tin is to go around the base of the tree to keep the squirrels from getting all the bird seed. Damn squirrels. The thing is, we really like to sit and watch all the different birds fly in and out of our little tranquil back yard. Who knew? Who knew I would sit outside with the camera, just waiting…waiting for some bird to stop by and grab a bite?

Mulch, pretty self-explanatory. Carpet runner…to keep the damn cat off the bed. 1/2 read somewhere that if you take a carpet runner, lay it “tack” side up, the cat won’t want to walk on it-thus theoretically keeping her from the places we don’t want her. Turns out we apparently have a cat with steel paw pads.

Anyway, my point of this is simple, I suddenly became very cognizant of the surreal nature of my current life versus previous (and not in a reincarnation way). And what struck me immediately after was…man, I have a good life. It’s simple, it’s way mellow, it has meaning, it’s mine…and I’m totally cool with it.

Now what? Well, I imagine it’s time to figure out how to get from the last 6 months (which have not seemed like my reality) to the beginning of what I hope will seem more familiar. That make take some time and thought.

While I try to figure it out, let me direct you to someone who has probably always known who she is and what she wants:

http://folkrockgirl.wordpress.com

PS- To all of you that were participants in my best birthday weekend since the move, a great big thank you!