Reformative Transformative WIP
So it’s been about 2 1/2 years since I last posted here…but it’s late, it’s been a loooonnng week, and I’m a couple cocktails in, so who knows the real math between posts.
Regardless of actual time elapsed, I feel an inherently different tone in this post and those to follow. In however long it has been since I last posted, I have undergone such significant personal and spiritual change I know not where to begin.
My best offering is this…I feel undeniably to be at not one but multiple significant crossroads in my life…right here and now. I can’t actually make sense of any of them, but they consume my thoughts and I believe that in being open to the guidance that God offers, a path will be revealed to me. Oh yeah, I’ve become more “outwardly” religious since previous posts and although I railed against it for most of my life I have come to appreciate the wisdom and solace it provides…but I will make NO attempts at recruiting or converting anyone here.
Simply, I will share my latest head-on with reality (or at least the tiniest bit I can muster at this time) and see what wisdom is offered in response.
I have recently been targeted and assailed at work…since my arrival 2 1/2 years ago I have remained consistent and vocal in my dedication to my patients and their advocacy. While once appreciated, I think the premium I place on doing the right thing (regardless of circumstance or profitability) has now made the powers that be (POB) uncomfortable and they wish to silence me–or at least dismiss or diminish the truth in what I say. This has led me to at least consider the opportunities of moving to a non-profit agency in which I believe my conscience will be viewed as less of a “bad” thing.
Additionally, some of those I work(ed) with have seemingly chosen a path that sacrifices me to protect them. I am not so naive that I believe that the corporate world honors and promotes the antithesis of these behaviors…but when these behaviors are put into motion and carried out by those whom I not only work with but have had a far more substantial personal relationship, I find it particularly disloyal and offensive. If I am there at your bedside in your darkest hour, caring for your children, covering for you at work, and just generally caring for you–I expect and deserve far better than what you have offered of late.
The final rant in this particular entry is directed toward that person that is to be my “partner”. I admit my failings to her in the past, but I will also assert I have done my personal reflection–both independent and with aid of mental health professionals to remedy my poor choices. I have done my “work”. Not to say that I have successfully completed all there is to do, but at least I have begun and continue the process.
Well just last night I was told by this partner, the very partner who carried on an “emotional” affair long after I indicated my feelings about it, called it what it was , etc. with only the excuse of it “being what she needed” then informed me that she is incapable of unconditional love (when I asserted I genuinely felt loved less when there were dirty dishes in the sink), and that I am a good person in my professional work, but that she thinks very little of me personally. As though it is so easy to separate the two. I asserted that she in fact was the one who had done little to make our situation better, was all too content to point the finger at me, and that as someone who harbored resentment (for me acting in a way that “forced” her to “cheat”) she was in fact not only not demonstrating love at all, but was instead purposefully withholding it. Needless to say, we haven’t spoken many a word at all to each other today.
Finally, in what I can only describe as God’s hand and the MOST unanticipated turn of events, while at dinner with our pastor Thursday night, our pastor encouraged me (in my strong sense/commitment to authenticity) to preach at our church…or at least to give it some thought. She would like for me to do this sometime between now and the end of the year. So while I know it is in direct opposition to the humility and grace we (Christians) are taught to embrace and bring into the world…is this not all at least a little ironic?
And that has been the most brief synopsis of my week. One can only imagine what next week has in store. I can only hope that I have the strength and wisdom to remain open to the guidance afforded me between now and then, and moving forward.
