Building the bridge

So as usual there are a million different things swirling inside my head, most of which are spawning nearly as many internal struggles. Is this normal? I believe it is…maybe that’s just what I tell myself to feel better. All I know is I’ve got to make some semblance of reason from all of this. And I can’t do that keeping it all completely contained in my melon…thus the blog is born.

I try to remain an optimistic person (probably ad nauseam to most), but this will most certainly not always be the case here. I need an outlet to avoid becoming Debbie Downer in my physical world. At the same time, I know I can’t consistently spew negativity, it’s just not in me, so fear not (should there actually be someone out there who reads this) this will not just be the home of Negative Nellie. She may just stop by from time to time, but she will not overstay her welcome. And if she does, feel free to point out her obnoxious nature.

On to today’s struggle…just how long does it take for Karma to kick in?

Now as well as remaining positive and an oft annoying cheerleader to folks around me, I also try (consciously and consistently) to be a good person. I mean, really a good person. I try to abide by the Platinum rule–a wee bit different from that of gold. The Platinum Rule, as I’m sure most of you know, states “Treat others as THEY wish to be treated”. I think I do it for the right reason–because you’re ’supposed’ to–it’s the right thing to do, etc. Is it so wrong to need the positive return from time to time? After all, it truly is not the motivation–just a great by-product.

I’ve been out of work now for about 4 months…and I had hoped the good Karma I had attempted to put into the world up to that point would ward off that situation, but no such luck. Still, I have always felt that everything happens for a reason, so I assumed there was a lesson for me to learn in my departure and that soon things would be rectified in a universal sense. Yet here I sit blogging when I would much rather be working…drawing an income, contributing to our life, reducing the stress on my much better half…what the Hell is Karma waiting for? I promise I have searched near and far, concretely and existentially for the lesson…and I’ve also done nothing thinking that perhaps the lesson was that I can’t control everything. And still nothing. Things are getting pretty rough around here. Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand and appreciate that many many people have it far worse than I. We have a house we’re not in danger of losing, we have not yet begun eating only Ramen, and we do have each other. All the same, anyone else in this situation will tell you that others have it worse, but that doesn’t make it any better for them.

I think what is hardest about this is the pressure it puts on the 1/2. Feeling as though (and rightfully so at this point) she’s got to hold it all together, that she’ll get us through this. And there is some (mostly) latent resentment bubbling there. That’s hard. And it’s not as though I’m just sitting blogging everyday. I’ve applied to, interviewed for, and been rejected by numerous jobs. I’ve even taken temp jobs to be able to make some money. Here’s the irony in the temp world–if you work hard and do your job well, you effectively put yourself out of a job.

So anyway, where’s my cosmic ‘justice’? I’m not looking for super hero status, I don’t want a golden ticket. I merely want a job in which I can help people and pay the bills. C’est ca.

Perhaps we will have the answer next week. I’ve got an interview on Tuesday and I think I’d really like the job. I would have the opportunity to help our military veteran’s pursue and succeed in a post-secondary education. How cool would that be? Wish me good Karma.

And in the meantime, I’m going to keep building the bridge from this life to my REAL life.

Listening to: Slow Motion by David Gray